The Angry Ginger

My Friend Dustin has a great website that you can find at http://sidecarsally.today.com. I haven’t figured out how to insert links yet, fuck you. Anyway at sidecarsally Dustin is ALWAYS ripping on Florida, and with good reason. Since Dustin has Florida pretty much covered, today I’m going to rip on my home state of Michigan.

In Grand Rapids, Michigan there is a minor league baseball team called “The West Michigan White Caps”… that’s a mouth full, how the fuck do they cheer for their teams?

“What are we called!?”

“THE WEST MICHIGAN WHITE CAPS”

“HOW DO YOU SPELL IT!?”

“T-H-E-W-E-S-T-M-I-C-H-I-G-A-N-W-H-I-T-E-C-A-P-S!”

Since all of that spelling is hard work, and people from Michigan are FAT, normal ballpark food like beer, hot dogs, nachos, and peanuts just won’t do. Some corporate baseball guy was probably sitting up in his office saying “you know, baseball is boring as shit anyway, but this is a minor league team from Grand Rapids, short of paying people to come to games I don’t know what we’re going to do to fill the seats.” when the 450 pound janitor overheard and said “NO ONE WANTS TO COME BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO PAY $3 FOR A BITTY HOT DOG AND DEM GAMES IS LONG!”

The blood-sucking corporate fuck googled “Fattest states” and saw that Michigan, while formerly number one, was holding strong at 10. With over 1/4 of the population of Michigan being obese he probably decided that the ball park needed a gigantic hamburger to draw in crowds. “We’ll even give ‘em a ding dang T-shirt when they eat the whole thing!” he said as he threw up an airpunch.

Thus the 4 pound, 4,800 calorie whitecap burger was born. The burger features five beef patties, five slices of cheese, nearly a cup of chili, salsa and corn chips, wedged between an 8 inch sesame seed bun… And as stated before, whoever eats the whole thing gets a free T-shirt. I surely hope said apparel comes in sizes 4XL and above.

I get that there are theme restaurants all over the United States dedicated to stuffing your face full of a huge pizza, or nine sandwiches, or whatever, to get your picture on the wall, a trophy, a T-shirt, etc. I’d like to imagine (for my own sanity) that these were struggling mom and pop joints who needed a gimmick to keep their doors open… and like.. that’s their THING, when people go there they know what they’re getting into as there is probably a gigantic sign out front “EAT ENTIRE 84 OUNCE STEAK IN AN HOUR AND GIT IT FREEE!!!!!”…. but a fucking baseball game? Hot dogs, nachos, peanuts annndddd a 4 pound heart attack on a platter. It’s just senseless gluttony in a state with a *pretty* poor track record as it is.

I wanted to contact this woman for comment:

Carol Yager of Flint Michigan, once believed to be the fattest person alive weighing in at an estimated 1600 pounds, but a FOR SURE 1200 pounds, but I couldn’t because SHE IS DEAD. She died from “obesity related illnesses” or “being fat” back in 1994. She never even got to enjoy the four pound ballpark burger, rest her soul.

So, get your asses to a Whitecaps game and order one of those glorious 4 pound burgers. Carol ate whatever she wanted and she lived to the ripe old age of 34… I’m sure you’ll be fine!